A Brief History of My Dating Life: Part 1
Since this blog is becoming a bit confessional, I thought I'd share some other juicy tidbits from my life. I realize that this may make you feel a bit unsettled, so feel free to avert your eyes if you are easily nauseated. I thought I'd start with a brief history of my dating life. And let me tell you...it is indeed brief!
The first half of my life consisted of a series of unrequited crushes and bizarre interactions with the few boys who did like me. I can name all of my crushes, starting from preschool:
Preschool: Eric (I think his last name was actually Onion. But that could've just been wishful thinking on the part of my child-brain).
Kindergarten: Joseph Hogan. Joseph Hogan really did not like me back. In Kindergarten, Mrs. Gardner assigned floor seats to all of us by marking the floor with tape. One day I gathered up all my courage and sat next to where Joseph Hogan's assigned seat was. When he came and sat down, he said to me "Hey. That's not your seat." I was mortified and scurried back to my assigned area.
First Grade: Andrew Chang. My first crush on a hapa kid (his mom was blonde, as I remember). He had really nice handwriting that slanted to the right. I remember I was at Sarah Silverman's house (no, not that Sarah Silverman) and I drew a picture of myself, holding hands with Andrew. There were bubbles coming out of our mouths, saying "I love you" and "I love you too." Of course I was the one saying "I love you TOO" because of course Andrew just couldn't wait to say it to me first. I labeled our pictures "Andrew" and "me" and was mortified when Sarah's parents saw it and started giggling.
2nd Grade: Brett Barhydt. Now, Brett and I actually had a relationship because I played the tomboy card. Which allowed us to hang out together, but did not endear him to me in any sort of romantic sense. Later, Brett ended up at USC with me, and we took a teacher education class together. He turned out to be quite introverted. Which totally cured me of feeling rejected at age six.
Another thing that happened in 2nd grade: I was the object of Eamonn Lynch's affection. He was our neighbor across the street (yes, the neighbors who had 16 children). One day I was wrestling with him and he pinned me down. I remember his face right above my face. First he dangled a long strand of spit down toward my face while his brother Killian laughed. Then he threatened to kiss me. I was absolutely horrified. Then he bent his head down, really quickly, and landed a sloppy wet kiss on my cheek. I was so indignant, I marched myself straight home.
Grades 3-6 were consumed by a huge crush on Joey Chan. Again, you may think that I had a penchant for the Asian men at an early age. But no. Joey Chan was a white kid who was adopted into a family with an Asian dad and white mom. Joey never expressed any interest in me, except for when I tried to convince him that my "Turn Back the Clock" Babe Ruth baseball card was an authentic Babe Ruth card. In fifth grade, Joey had a major crush on Lisa Turner and would give her presents while we all lined up after recess. This broke my heart into little tiny pieces every time. But not to worry - it has been eighteen years and I am so totally over it!
I also have to write this update. You know how when you are a not-so-cute dork, you fantasize about running into your crushes later in life, and they are blown away by how HOT HOT HOT you are? And they tell themselves "Wow, I was an idiot not to pay more attention to her!" I always hoped this would happen with Joey Chan. This is what did end up happening: I did not see Joey for years...from sixth grade onward. Then, during my senior year of college (when my attractiveness level peaked and I spent an hour getting ready every day), I ran into Joey. But it did not happen how I hoped it would happen. I was in the hospital after just being admitted for appendicitis. I had been up for 24 hours, had no makeup on, was in excruciating pain, looked like death, and was wearing an open-backed hospital gown. As I was dragging my IV pole into the bathroom, my mom opened the door and yelled excitedly, "ASHLYN! GUESS WHO'S HERE TO SAY HELLO?!! JOEY CHAN!" Apparently, Joey Chan happened to be there because a friend of his was sick or something. I remember slamming the bathroom door in a panic and not coming out. I mean, how could my mom do that to me? I think he may have glimpsed the back of my hospital gown and the side of my pale, tortured face.
Grades 7-8 were a bit strange for me. I was attending an all-girls school so my options were limited. My neighbor across the street, Sean Lynch (Eamonn Lynch's brother) had a crush on me. So even though I was not into him at all, I thought, Why Not? We "dated" for two weeks. Our dates consisted of tossing a football back and forth in the street, while I tried to convince him to get better grades: "Sean, it's really important to me that you raise your "D" that you have in history." Sean also tried to climb the giant oak tree in front of our house in order to spy on me, and then got stuck up there until he mustered the courage to jump down.
The final straw in our relationship was that he gave me a gold heart-shaped necklace. I wore it to his house one day and his mom said "Hey, that's mine." What the heck! I sheepishly gave the necklace back to her. It turns out this was a foreshadowing of things to come because Sean is now serving time for robbery. I kid you not.
In seventh grade I joined the South Pasadena Sea Tigers swim team. First I had a crush on my swim coach Matt Tredyte, but he was 21. Even though I hoped he would say that he would "wait for me" until I turned 18, even I knew that was unrealistic. Then I got a crush on Petter Andreissen, who was a recently immigrated Swedish boy a year older than I was. He was so mature...I mean, his voice had already changed and everything! Petter caused me a lot of grief. As social chair of my swim team, I managed to think up an excuse to call him...every single day. It still pains me to recall the lame pretenses under which I would call him: "Ummm, hi Petter, I'm taking a poll to see who likes brownies." Stuff like that. I basically called him every day for like eight months. After asking him my lame introductory question, I would then try to launch into some personal conversation, which Petter would shut down pretty quickly. Even more awkward was the fact that we would then ignore each other at swim practice...which was every day for like two hours. I'm still not entirely sure what was so unappealing about me, in a bright orange swim cap, with my braces, acne, and my Sea Tigers swimsuit highlighting my skeletal, pre-pubescent body.
This concludes the first half of my awkward dating life. Stay tuned for more!
The first half of my life consisted of a series of unrequited crushes and bizarre interactions with the few boys who did like me. I can name all of my crushes, starting from preschool:
Preschool: Eric (I think his last name was actually Onion. But that could've just been wishful thinking on the part of my child-brain).
Kindergarten: Joseph Hogan. Joseph Hogan really did not like me back. In Kindergarten, Mrs. Gardner assigned floor seats to all of us by marking the floor with tape. One day I gathered up all my courage and sat next to where Joseph Hogan's assigned seat was. When he came and sat down, he said to me "Hey. That's not your seat." I was mortified and scurried back to my assigned area.
First Grade: Andrew Chang. My first crush on a hapa kid (his mom was blonde, as I remember). He had really nice handwriting that slanted to the right. I remember I was at Sarah Silverman's house (no, not that Sarah Silverman) and I drew a picture of myself, holding hands with Andrew. There were bubbles coming out of our mouths, saying "I love you" and "I love you too." Of course I was the one saying "I love you TOO" because of course Andrew just couldn't wait to say it to me first. I labeled our pictures "Andrew" and "me" and was mortified when Sarah's parents saw it and started giggling.
2nd Grade: Brett Barhydt. Now, Brett and I actually had a relationship because I played the tomboy card. Which allowed us to hang out together, but did not endear him to me in any sort of romantic sense. Later, Brett ended up at USC with me, and we took a teacher education class together. He turned out to be quite introverted. Which totally cured me of feeling rejected at age six.
Another thing that happened in 2nd grade: I was the object of Eamonn Lynch's affection. He was our neighbor across the street (yes, the neighbors who had 16 children). One day I was wrestling with him and he pinned me down. I remember his face right above my face. First he dangled a long strand of spit down toward my face while his brother Killian laughed. Then he threatened to kiss me. I was absolutely horrified. Then he bent his head down, really quickly, and landed a sloppy wet kiss on my cheek. I was so indignant, I marched myself straight home.
Grades 3-6 were consumed by a huge crush on Joey Chan. Again, you may think that I had a penchant for the Asian men at an early age. But no. Joey Chan was a white kid who was adopted into a family with an Asian dad and white mom. Joey never expressed any interest in me, except for when I tried to convince him that my "Turn Back the Clock" Babe Ruth baseball card was an authentic Babe Ruth card. In fifth grade, Joey had a major crush on Lisa Turner and would give her presents while we all lined up after recess. This broke my heart into little tiny pieces every time. But not to worry - it has been eighteen years and I am so totally over it!
I also have to write this update. You know how when you are a not-so-cute dork, you fantasize about running into your crushes later in life, and they are blown away by how HOT HOT HOT you are? And they tell themselves "Wow, I was an idiot not to pay more attention to her!" I always hoped this would happen with Joey Chan. This is what did end up happening: I did not see Joey for years...from sixth grade onward. Then, during my senior year of college (when my attractiveness level peaked and I spent an hour getting ready every day), I ran into Joey. But it did not happen how I hoped it would happen. I was in the hospital after just being admitted for appendicitis. I had been up for 24 hours, had no makeup on, was in excruciating pain, looked like death, and was wearing an open-backed hospital gown. As I was dragging my IV pole into the bathroom, my mom opened the door and yelled excitedly, "ASHLYN! GUESS WHO'S HERE TO SAY HELLO?!! JOEY CHAN!" Apparently, Joey Chan happened to be there because a friend of his was sick or something. I remember slamming the bathroom door in a panic and not coming out. I mean, how could my mom do that to me? I think he may have glimpsed the back of my hospital gown and the side of my pale, tortured face.
Grades 7-8 were a bit strange for me. I was attending an all-girls school so my options were limited. My neighbor across the street, Sean Lynch (Eamonn Lynch's brother) had a crush on me. So even though I was not into him at all, I thought, Why Not? We "dated" for two weeks. Our dates consisted of tossing a football back and forth in the street, while I tried to convince him to get better grades: "Sean, it's really important to me that you raise your "D" that you have in history." Sean also tried to climb the giant oak tree in front of our house in order to spy on me, and then got stuck up there until he mustered the courage to jump down.
The final straw in our relationship was that he gave me a gold heart-shaped necklace. I wore it to his house one day and his mom said "Hey, that's mine." What the heck! I sheepishly gave the necklace back to her. It turns out this was a foreshadowing of things to come because Sean is now serving time for robbery. I kid you not.
In seventh grade I joined the South Pasadena Sea Tigers swim team. First I had a crush on my swim coach Matt Tredyte, but he was 21. Even though I hoped he would say that he would "wait for me" until I turned 18, even I knew that was unrealistic. Then I got a crush on Petter Andreissen, who was a recently immigrated Swedish boy a year older than I was. He was so mature...I mean, his voice had already changed and everything! Petter caused me a lot of grief. As social chair of my swim team, I managed to think up an excuse to call him...every single day. It still pains me to recall the lame pretenses under which I would call him: "Ummm, hi Petter, I'm taking a poll to see who likes brownies." Stuff like that. I basically called him every day for like eight months. After asking him my lame introductory question, I would then try to launch into some personal conversation, which Petter would shut down pretty quickly. Even more awkward was the fact that we would then ignore each other at swim practice...which was every day for like two hours. I'm still not entirely sure what was so unappealing about me, in a bright orange swim cap, with my braces, acne, and my Sea Tigers swimsuit highlighting my skeletal, pre-pubescent body.
This concludes the first half of my awkward dating life. Stay tuned for more!
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