On Friday, Mr. Joe P. Robinson became Dr. Joe P. Robinson. How did we celebrate? Ethiopian!
After his successful dissertation defense, Joe got a little over-confident and decided to challenge Marsha to a bake-off...using Splenda. No he
di-in't! He tried to put the smack down with his injera:
Then, that night at 3 a.m., my darling baby (the big baby, not the little one) left our cozy little bed and headed off to
Guanajuato, Mexico, for a conference. From what I can tell from our static-laced phone conversations, he has been eating fish with lime cream sauce and walking down uber-narrow "kissing streets". Without me.
So Saturday was spent as a single mother (i.e., doing the hardest job in the world). I was overwhelmed from the second I woke up until the second I fell asleep. Kris is so good with Saya, and so patient, and so helpful. I rely on him so much that I seriously can't function without him.
Saya is super well-behaved when Kris is here. She's not as well-behaved with me...it's like she knows if she cries, she can get a boob. So she basically cries constantly unless I'm either holding her or breastfeeding.
Before I had Saya, I thought I would be able to detach myself mentally from the baby's crying, so I could put the baby down, ignore the crying, and get stuff done. Now that she is here, I absolutely cannot stand it when she cries and I find it impossible to block out her crying. I think it produces a hormonal stress response in the mother or something. Other babies? Let them cry away! But I get so stressed out listening to my own baby, I feel distraught. And since it renders me incapable of doing anything else, I end up just giving her what she wants. And then I tell myself it's okay because she's very little and needs to be close to me. But it is extremely emotionally and physically exhausting to carry/nurse/sing to/entertain her all day long.
After ten hours of a baby who doesn't want to nap longer than 15 minutes, cries/fusses constantly, constantly needs to be carried, and does not allow you to perform basic tasks or bodily functions (
you try folding laundry, doing dishes or peeing with a 14-lb. wiggling baby strapped to your stomach in a Baby Bjorn!) I honestly felt like I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. First I went on a run with Saya. Then I carried her to Trader Joe's and lugged two heavy bags of groceries back. Then I carried her to Safeway and lugged more heavy groceries back. Then I gave her a bath while she screamed (she usually LOVES taking a bath!). I had trouble finding the strength and time to take a shower, eat, and go to the bathroom. When Marsha showed up to make oyako donburi and bake some shortbread, I felt like I was completely broken. I hit the wall and was thinking thoughts like "Should I have had a baby? I clearly can't handle it". Then Saya continued to cry for the next 3.5 hours until she finally fell asleep. I had zero patience or coping ability left and then felt guilty for resenting her.
This morning was better. I woke up before Saya and was able to get ready before she woke up. Then I strapped her into the carseat and we headed up to San Francisco to meet up with Marsha (again!) at
PPQ Dungeness Island for lunch. I had the #15 (vermicelli with pork bun and imperial rolls with nuoc mam) which I had been dying to try. It was decent, and a great deal at $7.50. It was not as good as
Bong Su (where we had our wedding) but we sued them (and won!) for overcharging so we can never go back (sniff). It was also not as good as our favorite Vietnamese place on Polk, but last time we went there, Kris found a worm in his food so we can never go back (sniff). (As you can see, finding good Vietnamese food can be a dramatic and emotional process).
After lunch, we took a field trip to
Heath Ceramics in Sausalito, which produces some of the most gorgeous dinnerware ever. Marsha is obsessed with their stuff, and rightfully so. They provide the dinnerware at
Chez Panisse and
Slanted Door. I found some amazing coffee mugs that met Kris' exacting specifications and Marsha started a collection of Chez Panisse dinnerware!
We ended the evening by attending
Monica, Rishi and Roshan's charming Cookie Exchange. The real highlight of this sweet event, though, was Monica's savory pulled pork. Saya was mostly cute, but fussed a lot (as you can see from
Doreen's pictures) and only napped a little bit. I realized that I was (1) still traumatized by yesterday and (2) maybe should not have been socializing in public because I was too strung out and my censor button was turned all the way OFF. I think I made a few people feel uncomfortable.
Example conversation #1:
Rishi's B-school friend: So, what's it like to be a mom?
Me: Exhausting. And overwhelming. I don't think I'm cut out for this.
Rishi's B-school friend (looking uncomfortable and giving me a look that says "I am concerned about your mental health"): Oh, well, have you asked Monica for any tips?
Me: I don't know if Monica's experience is like mine. I think Monica is, um, good at this. Like, she enjoys her life right now. Sometimes I wonder if I should have had a baby. Because I'm having a hard time coping and I don't think I'm good at being a mom.
Rishi's B-school friend (looking horrified and in need of escape): Oh.
Example conversation #2:
Pregnant woman: Tell me how you're doing now! I can't wait for pregnancy to be over with! How did everything go with your labor, etc.?
Me: Um, my girl parts are broken.
I realize that these conversations were totally overly-confessional. And I want you to know that I am aware that they are. It was like I just had this bizarre compulsion to vent and could not stop the self-doubt from spilling out of my mouth.
After we left, Saya screamed for an entire hour as we drove home.
But now, my beautiful baby girl is sleeping peacefully in bed after a cuddle, some kisses, a book, and belly button tickles. And she is amazing and adorable and I am so totally in love with her.
Let's see how tomorrow goes when I'm also supposed to be working all day. If you are reading this and know how to babysit, yes, this is a cry for help.
